Haha, bitches, I'm writing the inaugural post! Don Bito FTW.
So there's that. I'd like to open by discussing a topic very near and dear to my heart, thus claiming once and for all the category of Chilladephia for Bito. Because, readers, if only you knew of my superhuman capacity for chillage there would be no contest. ever. again. Others may try and capture the utter lethargy it takes to live my life, but they would fail.
Me at my most energetic.
So let's talk about that special time of year called winter. The time when magical white flakes flutter to earth and become putrid crud-colored slush that makes everything more difficult. The time when you wouldn't leave the house even if you had any money (which you don't because your hours have been cut back at work) because it's too goddamn cold to walk anywhere, too icy to drive anywhere, and none of your friends are leaving their houses either.
When you spend 90% of your waking hours in your favorite chair (oh, the chairs I have known!) and the other 10% in the bathroom, when your house is full of half-empty liquor bottles, 3 day old coffee, take-out containers and ashes on every surface...you, friend, are hibernating.
And let's face it, as much fun as it is to patronize our city's many watering holes and entertainment venues, nothing heals the soul like a couple weeks of justified sloth and gluttony. So let Don Bito show you how to kick it old school.
Step 1 - Scoping Out Your Sustenance Options
Wherever you live in the city you're surrounded by amazing culinary (read: greasy delivery) options. Now, obvies, Don Bito can't give you recommends for everywhere in the city, but if you live near center city or in the south of South region (most recently featured in the Tina Fey sleeper hit "Baby Mama")(Tina, if you're reading this, my love has only grown stronger with time. Please marry me.)I'll throw a few ideas out. These places are amazing for those times when you can't even be bothered to get up and microwave that packaged Trader Joe's Indian cuisine.
Pizza - Old Towne/Sanna's - You won't find a better quick-and-dirty pizza joint than Sanna's. They have affordable specials, a sh*tload of options, fast and friendly delivery guys, and online ordering. That's right. You don't even have to talk to anyone. Recs: Meatball and broccoli pizza, Meat Lover's pizza, grilled chicken wraps, hummus and baba ghanouj.
Sammies - Gusto - Gusto is probably the most expensive place in my delivery repertoire, but it is sooo worth it. Their hoagies are made on plump, crusty bread with delicious imported meats and cheeses and fresh vegetables on top. A Traditional Italian will change your life forever. Also rec'd: Oven-Roasted Turkey Hoagie, Cheesteaks, Pesto-Zucchini pizza.
Mexican - Los Jalapenos - The reason the roomies and I initially started ordering from this place on a regular basis is because in this broken world they provide the amazing service of delivering cigarettes and other groceries. You had me at hello, Los Jalapenos. You had me at hello. Recs: Guacamole, Chimichanga platter, Mole Chicken burrito, Pork and Plantains Burrito. And personally I could live on their rice and beans alone. And cigarettes.
Chinese - New South China - I'm gonna be honest, there's nothing special about this place other than that it's 3 blocks from my house and has helped me through many hangovers with delicious pork fried rice. And the delivery guy rides a little vespa. Recs: Pork Fried Rice (preferably by the quart), Sweet and Sour Chicken Combo, Steamed Chicken and Vegetables, Sesame Noodles (Only $2!!).
So now that you've managed, with minimum effort, to feed yourself, it's time to take a hard look at your entertainment options. Remember, your biggest enemy this time of year is cabin fever, and there's only one surefire way that I know of to stave that off:
Step 2 - For the Love of God, Order Netflix
Now the Bits isn't one to encourage capitalism, but every once in a while a company offers a service that I just can't refuse. Netflix basically makes my life. With the Instant Play option I still feel like I'm pulling a fast one over on them, I watch so very many movies for that same flat monthly fee.
I kid you not when I say you will never run out of viewing options. It's better than cable.
It's better than crack.
If you're balling out of control I'd say your other entertainment option should be investing in massive amounts of TV on DVD. Have you seen the entire series of Arrested Development? Weeds? Six Feet Under? Firefly? House? 30 Rock? It's Always Sunny [Here]? Why not?
My guilty pleasure is my FRIENDS: The Complete Series(holla Keiks!), and trust me, nothing has come in more handy during the winter months than having 100 hours of guaranteed viewing delight at my fingertips. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it. Which brings us to...
Step 3 - Alter Your Consciousness
I'm going to assume this is self-explanatory. You like drinking? Keep a jug of Jim Beam (that Philadelphia classic) on hand and order some Mexican Coca-Cola from Los Jalapenos (best. bourbon and cokes. ever.). Crank up the heat and pretend you're sipping that lager on the beach. Etc, etc. In my humble opinion, nothing - nothing makes the hours drag worse than sobriety.
All right, young grasshoppers, I release you into the world knowing that you now possess all you need to survive this winter. After all it's only another month before Chilladelphia means hitting the hippest happy hours and sunbathing on the roof, so soak it up while you can.
Happy Hibernating.
Oh, Don Bito, Don Bito, Don Bito. Without getting too territorial here, let me suggest that you have a way (or "ways" as we say in Kensington) to go before you claim proprietorship of the esteemed title of Chilladelphian extraordinaire.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, lethargy, while indeed being the fundamental component of a true Chilladelphian-er, is structurally a much more complex and much more subtle dynamic than your examples would have the world believe. While you seem to have the chair to bathroom ratio thingy worked out pretty well (you will find however, as you grow - or shrink - older, more time must be allotted to the bathroom side of the equation), you almost completely miss the point of the time spent in your chair.
While in the chair, nothing is necessary, save a wall (opposite your chair), food and booze; not TV, certainly not Netflix, not even reading material - possibly a cat, but that's optional.
I would argue that Nirvana for true chilladelphians is complete at-oneness with pure and total, mind numbing inertia (and a cautionary note here, meditation is not, I repeat, is not part of this process, and, in fact, is likely to be antithetical to it). Think of the Buddha only without the charm.
Beyond this, and conceding that you mistakenly feel it necessary to watch TV and order take out (as opposed to, say, cleaning out that three month old sour cream container with your fingers), I'm afraid you lose a considerable number of style points in the area of credibility when you suggest the following: 1...BROCCOLI on Pizza!? Repeat after me, "There's no crying in baseball and there's no broccoli on a Chilladelphian's pizza." 2)...Jim Beam (or any other Bourbon for that matter) and Coke!? How avant-garde, how New Wave! Is it true, by the way, that bourbon and coke drinkers still need ID to get into McGlinchy's and Dirty Frank's, and that they have been known to order - and actually drink - Scotch and Ginger? 3)...FRIENDS!!! FRIENDS??? Dear lord, save us all. There isn't enough guilt in the world to allow for the watching of FRIENDS. I think an exorcism may be the only solution for this one.
So, DB, with all due and lasting respect for your intentions, may I humbly suggest that before you release other grasshoppers into the world, you may wish to revisit your own values regarding chillin' in the wonderful place called Philadelphia.
Grandpa Wild,
ReplyDeleteDon't get me wrong, all us kids love gatherin' around the fire to hear tell about the good old days of slacking. Nothin' warms a younguns heart more than learning just how much the definition of slacking evolves as the traditions are passed down from generation to generation (to generation.)
These days we have a little something even you old-timers seem to have stumbled on, called the internet. As a slacker extraordinaire I'd like to introduce you to the world of today's slacker, where we manage to achieve the pinnacle of sloth without sacrificing a moment's entertainment. And actually, by being constantly plugged in to this grand old series of tubes, we can attain, I would argue, an even LOWER level of consciousness than previously dreamed of, even without staring at the wall for hours on end.
For instance, every moment I spend on Facebook is one I don't have to spend talking to someone or catching up with someone in real life. And of course there are still those days when I end up scraping out the bottom of a questionable food container for sustenance but, truth be told, I spend most of my time in my room on the third floor of my house, and it usually takes the angry knocking and honking of an underpaid delivery-person to even motivate me to descend my stairs.
Sometimes for those of us in the "golden years" of our lives, it must seem like even the meandering backwater marsh of slacking is rushing by like the roiling waters of the Nile. But the truth is that when we age, in addition to our chair::bathroom ratio changing, sometimes our minds grow weak and we just can't tell how fast the waters are moving.
It can be hard to relinquish the reins of a sturdy old horse into the more capable hands of a younger rider, but it has to be done. Let me speak for the slackers of today when I assure you that we're not moving faster or doing more, we're just having more fun being sedentary.
You might even say we've streamlined the process. But never fear! There will always be room by the fire for the old and weak, and maybe, just maybe, every once in a long while, someone will stop by and lend you a sympathetic ear. Then you can tell us all about how hard the slackers had it in the days or yore.
Here's wishing you many more years of staring at walls, I'll be watching The Office,
-Don Bito
(PS - Count your blessings that my interests have progressed from heckling English teachers at their extra-curricular stage performances, Douggie! I say we all gang up against the teenagers.)
First off, a point of information: I am in the iron oxide years of my life. I vaguely recall the "golden years" but they were so long ago, and they're mostly lost in a residual haze of questionable ingested chemical substances.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, it seems apparent that there are a few fundamental "principle" differences regarding our approach to sloth. Beginning with a troubled childhood, I've always believed that "having fun" is antithetical to true three toed sloth stage fulfillment. It is only after having attained (or fallen to) this level, that one can hope to achieve what, for me, is the ultimate chilladelphian goal - that of toxic mold!
Nonetheless, I concede that as an articulate representative of the relatively "peppy" generation, you state your case - particularly the Facebook business - with eloquence and credibility. Maybe some sort of a throwdown is in order, here. Say, perhaps, a round of protracted chair sitting (with appropriate beverages nearby, of course)in which our respective numbness can somehow be objectively measured. On the other hand, I'm a little tired right now. I think I'm going to go take a nap.